In this post, I explore the escalation trap and how de-escalation — a critical soft skill often overlooked in professional environments — can break these destructive cycles.
The escalation trap is a reinforcing feedback loop where one party’s action triggers a reaction from another party, which in turn prompts a stronger counter-action, creating a self-amplifying cycle of conflict and tension. Unlike balancing feedback loops that tend toward equilibrium, escalation loops push systems toward extreme states.
In Thinking in Systems, Donella Meadows explores how systems are governed by feedback loops. The escalation trap is a specific type of reinforcing feedback loop (also called a “vicious cycle”) where each action amplifies the system’s tendency toward conflict. The more a person escalates, the more another one feels justified in reacting back, and the cycle accelerates, leading to outcomes neither party originally intended.
A good example of quick escalation is a traffic conflict. One driver unintentionally cuts off another, who gets angry and honks and yells. If both parties become angry and allow themselves to escalate, the conflict may quickly lead to physical threats and violence. On the other hand, the ability to de-escalate may quickly resolve the issue, allowing everyone to move on in a matter of seconds.
Extreme examples include arms races by nuclear powers and quick escalation of violence between religious groups or soccer fans.
Imagine two engineering teams in a tech company: the backend team and the frontend team.
What started as a technical issue evolved into an organizational conflict through escalation. Neither team is malicious; both believed they were defending their interests. Yet the system’s structure trapped both teams to an outcome worse for everyone.
This reflects what Meadows describes as a fundamental principle of systems: the structure of the system determines its behavior. The escalation trap emerges from a system where actions trigger defensive counter-actions, creating reinforcing loops.
Escalation may get expensive, both emotionally and economically:
The antidote to the escalation trap is de-escalation — the intentional action of reducing tension and breaking the reinforcing feedback loop. Rather than matching escalation with escalation, de-escalation introduces a balancing feedback loop that reduces conflict and creates space for resolution.
De-escalation is not a weakness. It’s an important skill and an strategic choice to interrupt the negative spiral and create conditions where problems can be solved effectively.
De-escalation operates by changing how you respond to provocative actions. Instead of triggering the next loop in the escalation cycle, you can respond with:
Let’s further explore the traffic conflit I previously mentioned. Consider both scenarios:
Without de-escalation:
This is the escalation trap. Two reasonable people became dangerous through escalation.
With de-escalation:
In the second scenario, Driver B made a strategic choice to de-escalate. By not matching Driver A’s error with aggressive honking, Driver B broke the escalation loop. The result? Safety, reduced stress, and everyone moving forward.
Now, let’s also return to our earlier example of the backend and frontend teams, but imagine a de-escalated version:
De-escalation is a learnable skill. Here are practical ways to develop it:
The escalation trap is a fundamental pattern in systems: small actions trigger reinforcing loops that amplify conflict and drive systems toward destructive extremes.
De-escalation is the lever that interrupts this trap. By choosing calm over defensiveness, empathy over blame, and collaboration over adversarialism, you don’t just resolve immediate conflicts—you transform relationships.
Businesses are typically high-pressure environments focused on delivering results and meeting ambitious, often uncertain deadlines. Management deliberately introduce some level of conflict and pressure to drive performance. In this scenario, avoiding the escalation trap is no easy task. It demands both skill and intentional action.
Leaders who understand de-escalation become invaluable. They transform potential crises into opportunities for strengthening teams and improving outcomes.
The next time you’re in a conflict — whether with a teammate, customer, or leader — pause and ask yourself: “Will my next action escalate or de-escalate this situation?” Choose wisely.
]]>In tech companies, where complexity scales rapidly and novel challenges emerge daily, strong problem-solving skills are non-negotiable. Yet, for many engineers, it is challenging to define what “good” problem-solving looks like or how to develop these capabilities systematically. Without a clear framework, it’s difficult to assess growth, identify development areas, or set meaningful career goals.
In this post, I share my perspective on the varying levels of problem-solving competency for software engineers within tech companies. By breaking down this skill into actionable levels — from beginner to expert — I aim to provide a framework that software engineering managers (SEMs) can use to assess and develop their team’s problem-solving capabilities.
This is similar to the work I’ve previously done for Effective Communication, which I’ll compile with other skills at some point in the future into a guide for software engineering competencies.
This structure can be integrated into career ladders, supporting personal development and career progression. It can help engineers identify growth opportunities and set clear goals, fostering an environment where challenges are approached confidently and systematically, and product development thrives.
To make problem-solving more tangible, I will describe it through five dimensions:
I try to establish adequate expectations for each level and provide evidence and examples.
Problem-solving forms the foundation of effective software engineering. By focusing on these five dimensions, we can create a structured approach to developing these competencies within our teams.
Setting clear expectations for each level of problem-solving proficiency allows SEMs to guide their teams toward continuous improvement. Like building a utility belt of tools and techniques, developing problem-solving skills is an ongoing journey that requires deliberate practice and regular refinement.
This framework provides engineers with a roadmap for growth, helping them identify where they are, where they want to go, and what skills they need to develop along the way.
]]>What separates those who thrive from those who plateau isn’t just technical skill, but a combination of habits and subtle pitfalls that shape their professional journey.
As individuals, we need to be intentional about our career growth, and as leaders, we must provide our teams with clear paths to progression. Yet we often lack a practical model or reference point for this development.
The following lists represent my personal perspective on what truly matters in the software engineering career journey. If you’re a Software Engineering Manager, I hope these traits and pitfalls help you assess your team during performance reviews and guide their skill development. If you’re a software engineer, you might recognize patterns in your own work and discover concrete ways to advance your career.
These are the key signals I look for, and the common traps I’ve seen catch even the most talented professionals.
A competent Software Engineer independently delivers well-structured solutions to defined problems, collaborates effectively with teammates, and demonstrates solid technical judgment within their area of responsibility.
The typical characteristics of a software engineer.
Common pitfalls that prevent a junior engineer from becoming a competent software engineer.
Technical Skills
Soft skills
A Senior Software Engineer leads complex technical initiatives with minimal guidance, makes architectural decisions that balance technical and business needs, and actively mentors others while serving as a trusted technical authority within their team.
The typical characteristics of a senior software engineer.
Common pitfalls that prevent a software engineer from becoming a senior software engineer.
Technical Skills
Soft skills
A Staff Software Engineer shapes technical strategy across teams, solves ambiguous problems with organization-wide impact, and influences engineering culture through technical leadership that extends beyond their immediate scope of work.
The typical characteristics of a staff software engineer.
Common pitfalls that prevent an engineer from becoming a staff software engineer.
Technical Skills
Soft Skills
Career growth in software engineering is rarely about a single breakthrough moment. It is about consistently developing the right traits while avoiding the pitfalls that trap even talented engineers.
Take a moment to reflect on where you are in your journey. Which skill are you actively cultivating and what may be holding you back? The difference between thriving and plateauing often comes down to this kind of honest self-assessment and deliberate action.
Whether you’re a junior engineer looking to make your first step up or a senior engineer aspiring to Staff level influence, the path forward is clearer when you know what to build and what to avoid.
Your career is yours to shape. Start with one trait to strengthen or one pitfall to address, and build from there.
]]>In tech companies, where cross-functional collaboration is crucial, the ability to convey complex ideas clearly is not just a nice-to-have — it’s essential. Effective communication bridges gaps between leadership, product and growth teams, partners, and clients, ensuring alignment and shared understanding. However, many teams struggle to articulate their thoughts or adapt their language to diverse audiences, leading to misunderstandings and inefficiencies.
In this post, I share my perspective on the varying levels of communication skills for SWEs within tech companies. By breaking down the competency of effective communication into actionable levels — from beginner to expert — I aim to provide a framework that SEMs can use to assess and develop their team’s communication skills.
This structure can also be integrated into career ladders, supporting personal development and career progression. It can help SWEs identify growth opportunities and set clear goals, fostering an environment where communication flows freely, and product development thrives.
To make effective communication more tangible, I will describe it through four dimensions:
I try to establish adequate expectations for each level and provide evidence and examples.
Effective communication is a multifaceted skill that is crucial for the success of tech teams. By focusing on those four dimensions, we can create a structured approach to developing these competencies within our teams.
Setting clear expectations for each level of communication proficiency allows SEMs to guide their teams toward continuous improvement.
This framework provides engineers with a roadmap for growth, helping them identify where they are, where they want to go, and what skills they need to develop along the way.
]]>It is said that Lee asked Schwab to send him a check for whatever he thought the advice was worth. After three months, Schwab was so impressed by the results that he sent Lee a check for USD 25,000, equivalent to several hundred thousand dollars nowadays, highlighting the importance of Lee’s advice.
Here’s the straightforward method Ivy Lee suggested:
What I would like to highlight from the method:
Modern productivity advice suggests using the Eisenhower Matrix to help you prioritize the six most important tasks. I find this idea really useful; I’m a true believer in the Eisenhower Matrix paradigm.
I’d guess Ivy Lee taught Schwab and his team how to effectively prioritize those six tasks to make that big amount of money, but that lesson was probably lost in history.
Equivalent in structure, you could prioritize the six most important tasks following other prioritization systems, such as the Value vs. Effort matrix, 1-3-5 rule, 3-3-3 method, etc.
Following the Eisenhower Matrix system, it is advised to:
My first introduction to this topic was through the excellent book An Elegant Puzzle by Will Larson (CTO at Carta).
In essence, a software engineering strategy consists of the following components:
From my experience, I have found software engineering strategies useful in two contexts:
I have also been writing a dedicated page called Software Engineering Strategy on this website, where I document the key learnings, insights, and resources that I find useful in my journey to deeply understand this topic.
I hope you find it helpful as well. Please feel free to reach out if you have any questions or comments about software engineering strategies.
]]>Today, I came across an insightful article on HBR.org titled 5 Reasons People Get Laid Off by Marlo Lyons. This article offers valuable insights, and I highly recommend you read it.
Understanding why layoffs occur can empower us to proactively safeguard our careers and mitigate some of the associated stress. With this in mind, I’d like to share and summarize some key insights from the article.
Here are a few reasons why people get laid off:
Employees are 100% responsible for continually upskilling and reskilling. While companies may offer resources to learn new skills, they tend to teach to the entire employee population, so most talent development programs focus on management skills […]
But employees need to continue to advance their hard skills, such as becoming technically proficient in AI applications or new programming languages. Those who don’t continue to evolve their skills to keep up with rapidly changing business needs may be targeted for layoffs.
In most tech companies, particularly in software engineering roles, the job inherently involves continuous learning. It is crucial to demonstrate a commitment to reskilling and to develop personal growth plans that align with your team’s or company’s objectives.
The most straightforward method to meet the assigned cut percentage is to eliminate the positions of individuals with the highest salaries, particularly if they’re not actively involved in accomplishing the work. Managers who lack hands-on involvement may be seen as less valuable to the organization, as there is a perception that they’re not directly contributing to task and project execution.
Managers who are invaluable to an organization find a balance between strategic leadership and hands-on involvement without micromanaging their teams.
Being the quiet worker bee won’t protect you from being laid off. In fact, being invisible could be your downfall. When determining which roles to cut, if senior leadership doesn’t know who you are, what you do, or the impact you make, your job could be an easy choice for elimination.
When companies need to cut their budgets, they’ll likely try to eliminate those who are considered non-performers. Where more than one person is doing a particular job, layoffs provide managers a ripe opportunity to cut low performers without having to do the hard work of giving them more feedback or putting them on a performance improvement plan.
Employees must realize their manager’s perception means everything. So even if you think you’re doing a great job, if your manager doesn’t agree, you could be deemed a poor performer and be on the chopping block.
This one is particularly relevant for software engineering roles, as it accounts for many terminations I’ve observed in the tech industry’s post-pandemic layoffs. It appears to be the primary criterion used by senior leadership.
I’ve witnessed competent engineers who had one performance cycle rated ‘below expectations’ being selected for layoffs. Under normal circumstances, these individuals might have been placed on a Performance Improvement Plan (PIP) and given a chance to improve.
Maintain constant vigilance regarding your performance. Proactively seek feedback on your work, learn from it, and ensure alignment with your manager and peers.
]]>Our careers are not just defined by what we work on but mainly by what we aspire to become. This pursuit is a continuous effort that shapes our career aspirations and enhances learning, contributing to personal growth and collective success in companies.
To empower individuals and facilitate career advancement, I’ve documented a structured approach to guide the process. It consists of:
The following is a collection of tools that you can leverage, together with your manager, to communicate your goals, commit to them, and progress in your career.
A one-on-one is a recurring, individual meeting that managers schedule with each team member. Its primary goal is to support your career development, providing a platform for discussing professional growth, addressing tactical issues, and receiving guidance and feedback. They are also an opportunity for you to share feedback, raise concerns, and discuss your aspirations.
Ideally, this meeting should occur regularly, preferably weekly, to ensure consistent communication and support. If you’re not currently having these meetings, I recommend you talk to your manager to establish a schedule.
Some advice for your one-on-ones:
Feedback is a powerful tool for personal and professional growth. It involves both giving and receiving constructive comments about performance, behavior, or learning strategies. Regular feedback can help you understand your strengths, identify areas for improvement, and align your efforts with your team’s and organization’s objectives.
Some advice on feedback:
Remember, effective use of feedback is a key component in driving your personal development and achieving your career goals.
An Individual Development Plan (IDP) is a document you create, preferably in collaboration with your manager. It serves as a roadmap for career growth and skill development, outlining specific, achievable objectives aligned with both your career aspirations and your team’s and the organization’s goals.
The creation of an IDP is a proactive process. Reflect on your strengths, feedback received, areas for improvement, and long-term career goals when writing it. Regular reviews and updates to the IDP are crucial, as they allow for adjustments based on progress, changing circumstances, or evolving career objectives.
An effective IDP not only guides an individual’s professional development but also fosters a culture of continuous learning and growth within the organization. If you haven’t developed your IDP yet, consider scheduling time with your manager to start this valuable process.
As we have established, owning our personal development is crucial. I strongly encourage you to take the driver’s seat on this journey. Commit to your self-improvement and intentionally chart the course of your career.
If you’re uncertain about where to begin, the following is a structured approach to navigating your personal development.
You should count on your manager to support you in every aspect of your personal development plan. Ensuring that your goals are aligned with the team’s objectives and the organization’s vision is key to success.
One-on-one meetings with your manager are invaluable opportunities to drive your personal development forward. Use these sessions to discuss your goals and your development plan, celebrate your wins, navigate through challenges, and adjust your goals as needed.
Be proactive in seeking guidance, clarifying expectations, and securing the support you need. These interactions can give you the insights and motivation to propel your career development.
Consider what success looks like for you in the long term: the roles you aspire to fill, the skills you wish to master, and the impact you want to make. Reflect on your interests and passions and how they align with your career aspirations.
This clarity of vision is the compass that will guide all subsequent steps in your career journey.
Consider the following in this step:
Once you have a clear picture of your desired future, it’s time to set specific development objectives. These are the milestones that will mark your progress along the path to your ultimate career goals.
Consider the following in this step:
With your objectives set, you can now craft your Individual Development Plan (IDP). This personalized plan is your strategy for achieving your career goals. It should outline the resources you’ll need, the skills you’ll develop, and the steps you’ll take. Your IDP is a living document that will evolve as you progress, so it’s essential to revisit and revise it regularly.
Once your IDP is established, the next critical phase is implementation and tracking. This is where you put your plan into motion, actively engaging with the outlined activities and learning opportunities.
Establish a routine for regularly reviewing your progress against your objectives. This could be a monthly self-assessment or a tracking spreadsheet. Such vigilant monitoring will help you stay accountable, make necessary adjustments, and maintain momentum toward achieving your goals.
Feedback is the fuel for growth and improvement. Regularly seek out constructive feedback from a variety of sources: managers, peers, mentors, and other people. Embrace both positive and constructive criticism as opportunities to learn and refine your skills.
Remember, feedback is not just about hearing what you’re doing well but also about identifying areas where you can improve. By actively asking for and acting on feedback, you demonstrate your commitment to continuous learning and self-improvement.
]]>Between what I say and what you understand, there’s what I meant to say and what you think I said.
This underscores why communication is paramount in leadership and management, which is the reason I maintain a dedicated page on the subject of communication.
The meta-model patterns of communication are an essential tool for enhancing interpersonal communication and even our internal dialogue. Originating from Neuro-linguistic programming (NLP), these patterns allow us to reverse engineer communication, uncovering information that might be deleted, distorted, or generalized in the language of NLP.
The NLP meta-model is a set of questions designed to specify information and to challenge and expand the limits of someone’s mental model. It responds to the deletions, distortions, and generalizations in our mental models and our communication.
Every time we capture events and perceptions from our surroundings, we partially consciously but mostly unconsciously process a lot of information. According to NLP, to handle and make sense of our experience, our brains use some filters, and just after that, our thoughts are formed. Those filters are:
The following table summarizes the NLP Meta-Model:
| Deletions | Distortions | Generalizations |
|---|---|---|
| Simple Deletion | Nominalization | Universals |
| Unspecified Referential Index | Mind Reading | Modal operators of necessity |
| Unspecified Verb | Complex Equivalents | Modal operators of possibility |
| Comparative Deletion | Cause and Effect | |
| Lost Performative | Presuppositions |
Here are a few examples of how to challenge language patterns, expand someone’s mental model, and recover lost information:
1. Mind Reading: Claiming to know someone else’s inner mental state
2. Comparative Deletion: A comparison in which the starting point for comparison is not stated
A list of questions useful to specify and clarify information and to open up someone’s model of the world:
If you want to learn more about the meta-model, consider the following as a starting point.
]]>A well-designed rollout plan is essential for successfully launching these improvements without negatively affecting customers’ operations. A comprehensive rollout plan should address, at a minimum, the following key aspects:
From the above aspects, I want to delve into the progressive deployment plan.
A progressive deployment aims to minimize risk and improve customers’ and developers’ experience by implementing change to a small group of users, which allows fast feedback and faster rollback in case of failures. There are a few strategies that we can adopt for a progressive deployment:
Feature flags, also known as feature toggles, provide flexibility in the deployment process. They allow specific features to be turned on or off at runtime without changing the code.
Instead of deploying a new version of the software to a subset of servers or containers, the feature is deployed everywhere but is enabled first for a small subset of users (e.g., beta testers) and then progressively rolled to the entire user base in phases.
This ability supports various progressive deployment strategies and is widely adopted in cloud, multi-tenant environments.
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